Vayechi – A Time to Talk

In Parshas Vayechi, the Torah recounts one of the last discussions between Yaakov and his cherished son Yosef. Yaakov implores Yosef to lay him to rest in the Mearas Hamachpela beside Avraham and Sorah, Yitzchak and Rivka, and alongside Leah, whom he had already buried there prior to his arrival in Egypt. Yaakov prefaces this request by stating, "As for me, when I came from Paddan, Rochel died on me, in the land of Canaan, on the way, when there was still a stretch of land to come to Efrat, and I buried her there, on the way to Efrat, which is Beit Lechem." Rashi and other commentators clarify that the rationale for this introduction was that Yaakov was cognizant of the resentment Yosef held towards him for the way he buried his mother, and now he was asking Yosef to fulfill for him what he had he had failed to do for her.

No one relishes the prospect of discussing difficult and painful issues. Regrettably, the common response is to suppress these matters and avoid them at all costs. The downside of this behavior is that it allows emotions to fester and potentially escalate. For instance, a person may miss the opportunity to comfort a friend who is experiencing a personal loss. During their next encounter, they may choose to steer clear of both the friend and the sensitive subject, feeling uneasy about addressing what they previously neglected. As a result, each following interaction may become increasingly tense due to the presence of the 'elephant in the room'.

Talk it Out

Yaakov Avinu illustrates the correct method for engaging with uncomfortable discussions. Addressing them directly allows individuals to clear the air and articulate their perspectives. This practice helps to bridge divides and repair relationships and feelings that may have developed due to misunderstandings or insufficient explanations. People can possess differing and conflicting opinions while also grasping the logic behind the opposing perspective. Yaakov recognized that Yosef harbored feelings of resentment regarding the perceived affront to his mother's honor. He explains to Yosef the reasons for his burial decisions, after which Yosef swears an oath and faithfully carries out his father's request.

At the beginning of the Parsha, we are instructed on the significance of communication similarly, at its conclusion, Yaakov imparts another vital lesson about engaging in open and honest dialogue. While it is important to address issues and engage in transparent conversations, it is equally essential to understand when and where to have these discussions. Just before his passing, Yaakov calls his sons together to give them his final message. During this moment, Yaakov addresses his sons, and begins by delivering a profound and stern reprimand to Reuvain.

At the Right Time

The Sifri in Devarim writes "And Yaakov called to his sons and said: Gather together and I will reveal to you what will happen to you in the end of days … Reuven, you are my first-born, etc." He said to him: My son, I will tell you why I did not rebuke you all these years: It is so that you would not leave me and go and cleave to Esav, my brother. And because of four things a man should rebuke another only close to his death: So that he not rebuke him repeatedly, so that the other not be shamed in his sight, so that he (the rebuker) not bear a grudge in his heart (for his rebuke not being heeded), and so that he (the rebuked) not leave him and go (elsewhere).

The importance of articulating necessary sentiments was underscored this past week as my wife and her family observed shiva for my father-in-law, Rav Yehuda ben Alter Chaim z"l. Although he had been ill and hospitalized for several weeks, his death was unexpected, and there was no chance to say farewell or express any concluding sentiments. Sadly, it is now too late. Let us take a lesson from Yaakov Avinu to communicate what must be communicated and to do so in a timely and appropriate manner.